Stepping into the unknown can feel so frightening. It leaves us flailing and grasping for something familiar. But sometimes the more scary thought is “What if I never take that leap...what if it’s always going to be like this?”
Over a year ago I had that thought and Anais Nin’s quote came to mind “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud, became more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” So I did something about it...I leapt, and it worked out. I made the choice to step toward a better future for myself and my son and life has been pretty sweet because of it.
Since then, I’ve met or grown closer to so many supportive and wonderful friends. People that are so kind and funny and just great to be with. I have a wonderful career that I love and it truly fills me up. My son is thriving and my dog is happy with his new home and new routine. And my family...forget about it, they’re incredible. So at the beginning of this year when an opportunity came up for me to leap again, I didn’t take it at first. I was finally comfortable. I was barely beginning to settle in after my big leap and hardly had a chance to catch my breath before this knew thing came up (at least that was my excuse). And this new thing required a boldness that I just didn't think I had. I couldn't get past my fear. But in that paralyzing moment, I wondered what my 80 year old self would tell me if she could. She’d tell me to ball-up and go for it. So I did! I wish I could say that it too had a happy ending, but this time it didn’t work out as I planned. I was mortified and my immediate self-talk was not good. Rejection isn’t fun. There’s a sting to it at first that feels like a shameful brain-freeze. But when I went to yoga the next day. My teacher said “be courageous enough to let go.” So I began that. I started letting go of my mental lecture...“You look like an ass, why did you say that? You’re an idiot.” I knew none of that was true. I’ve worked really hard to become okay with who I am. I just didn’t feel okay that day. However, my 80 year old self thought I was a fucking rock star because I went for it. And although I didn’t love that awful feeling, I’ll never regret the leap. And I haven't let it hold me back since. Some leaps are hit and some are miss. But when I miss, I know it's not a mistake. It's corny to say they're learning opportunities...so, I guess I'm corny. And truth be told, I'm getting good at recovering from the misses...they just aren't as devastating anymore. And it sure beats sitting on my ass wondering what could've been. Writing this now, I imagine my 80 year old self is cheering me on. I can rest comfortably knowing that, and I’m so glad I’m making us proud.
The more I leap the more I really get what Philip Yancey said "I have learned that faith means trusting in advance what will only make sense in reverse." It is my hope that you already recognize this, and you leap all over the place. If not, I hope you recognize your own value in moving toward a life that will shake off all the bullshit so you can live freely as the amazing person you truly know yourself to be. May you never be afraid to be raw and true...no mater how uncomfortable that can be at times. May you never let yourself down by not trying. May you never wonder "what if". May you take that flying leap and discover who you really are and what you're really made of...it's fucking brilliant. I promise.